Posted by: Brad Stanford | October 16, 2013

Motels And Urinals (An Open Letter To Motel Workers)

Drove by a motel tonight and saw the only two patron cars at the place parked side by side. Ignoring for the moment that perhaps these two drivers were occupying the same room (#OccupyMotels), I realized that motel owners might occasionally need a refresher course on patron placement.

Dear Motel Workers:
It has come to my attention that some of you are very logic-oriented, such that you will fill rooms left-to-right, right-to-left, or in some other liner fashion. I would like to suggest to you that to get better reviews from the exactly two people staying at your facility on your worst night of the week, it would be far more appropriate to follow the Men’s Rules For Urinal Choice And Usage.

Mainly the idea here is distance. If a man walks into a public restroom and is the first one in the room, it is his obligation to go to one of the urinals at either far end of the urinal wall. The second man goes to the opposite extreme urinal, the third goes exactly in the middle between the two, and so it goes.

Motel rooms should be treated as glorified urinal stalls, which in reality is not too far off, as the main difference between the two is the bed and a box of pizza. This being the case, please understand that privacy is of the utmost importance, and putting two people side by side in an otherwise empty motel is the same as walking in on two guys urinating side by side in a public restroom that has a row of 20 urinals available.

If your OCD is forcing you to do this left-to-right placement thing, then tell your brain to go for a Bell curve instead, starting from the outsides. In this way, you can make more money putting 4 or 5 guests in the middle two rooms, representing the high point of the curve, not to mention the other rooms representing the descending slopes. But at least the first two who show up on the outsides will be the maximum distance from each other.

Thanks for your thoughtfulness and consideration.


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